What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
12.06.2025 02:04
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
We all went to grammer schools
Why did i forgive my father ?
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
How do police officers feel about the fear they instill into criminals?
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
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All the time i was locked up.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
We were not on the streets..
How do you write a letter to your uncle who sent you money for your birthday outfit?
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Im still living with it.
I was 9 years of age.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
But, we were locked up after school.
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You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Put me off passion for life!!
What should I do? I'm 17 and I'm dating a 23-year-old guy.
But ive been too sick for many years..
He knew the spot.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
My family never makes their pension either.
So, i spoilt her more .
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He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
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I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
But it wasn’t much.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
How could Trump, with his deplorable garbage supporters, manage to win an election?
Was to survive, this bastard.
Comes on , in middle age.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
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Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
How do I build muscle easily with isometrics?
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
This is soul school!.
I was scared of men, in general
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I don,t even have a pension.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I never cut or harmed myself..
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
He resisted the act ,that day.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
And i lived it daily.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
So whats the point in blame.
Ive learnt so much.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
She loved him until the end.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
She wouldn,t have been !
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I will be 64.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
As i do to all so called friends.?
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
She married twice! .
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I couldn’t, believe it.
My life is so biszare .
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I have no regrets .
Especially a lifetime of it.
I think the readers, may guess!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I could never make a relationship work though!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
One cannot live in the past .
I was very sick at this time too.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I said to her
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
When she asked me how she looked .
She was in good health!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I was seconnd youngest,
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
What did i know ?
I waited trembling.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Who then, do I blame.?
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
She found it foreign!.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
It was going to be , some day.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
(And it was in our own minds.)
I write beautiful poetry .
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Would this be the day?
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.